The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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