the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
