Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
