That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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