So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
