Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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