I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
