I'm so fucking centered right now
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
