Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
