i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
