whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
