How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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