Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
