The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Enjoy the penises
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
