Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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