I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
