I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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