So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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