I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
