My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
