recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
