I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
He shit in the fireplace
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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