Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i used baking grease as lip gloss
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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