Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
