she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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