My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
