Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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