Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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