I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
