It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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