Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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