This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
