After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
