He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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