He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
