I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
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