even my farts smell like vagina
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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