I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
