So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
There's always time for handjobs
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
