You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
organizing the empties. That sober.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
