i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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