I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
