What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
