Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
