Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
