Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
