this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
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