Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
