He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Randomize
