happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Randomize
