my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
