OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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