I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
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