The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize